The face you make when that fellow musician begins their inevitable brag. (Image via pixabay.com / CC BY 0.0)
Every time you share something you're proud of, he's got an accomplishment to boast about that totally trumps yours. Yeah, we're talking about that person. The one who doesn't congratulate you, the one who's only listening so he knows what kind of accomplishment he's about to one-up. When the braggart is a fellow musician, it's frustrating; when that person's also a friend, it's disheartening.
Why are some musicians like this? And what can you do about it?
It really seems you've got nothin' on these people – ever. You finally landed a gig at your dream venue? They'll remind you right away: They played there ages ago, and it was packed. Scored an opening slot for a big-name band? They were handpicked as openers for someone more famous who, of course, showered them with accolades post-set.
Follow these steps to best deal with a fellow musician who's constantly one-upping you. We can't guarantee he or she will stop right away. A habit like this is usually deep-rooted and hard to break. It's up to that person to change his or her behavior. All you can do is nudge him or her in the right direction by being constructive in your reactions.
1. Consider their motives
"Don't dim someone else's light to make yours brighter," goes the oft-memed adage – or something like that. One-uppers aren't usually trying to make you feel less (though that's usually the result). Their gloating is about convincing themselves they're better, about making themselves feel mightier. They may have an inferiority complex, which can bring about the superiority complex as a defense mechanism.
We're not saying you should forgo your hurt because of their insecurities, but a little empathy can go a long way as you work through the next two steps.
2. Respond in a way that muffles their boasting
Clearly, attempting to one-up one-uppers is a not a constructive response. It'll only provoke them to one-up you again... and again, and again. Best-case scenario, they leave in a huff, but their frustration will probably reenergize their need to profess just how great they are at your next interaction.
The most efficient response is one that stifles their boasting without ripping them a new one. Whether consciously or not, their showing off is how they make themselves feel better, so shaming them isn't going to shock them into change. It'll only make things worse.
Three methods to try:
- Shift one-uppers' thinking from being better-than to being a friend. If they brag about how much better of a musician they are, say you'd love to improve, and ask if they can help.
- Offer help of your own. When the one-upping is about work ethic, offer to take on some of the workload to ease theirs.
- Acknowledge them. Afterward, either revert back to your own story, change the subject altogether, or end the conversation. Avoid allowing them to dominate the conversation completely.
By the way, one-uppers probably won't respond like you hope they will. They likely won't accept your help, and they'll never give you guitar lessons. They might continue to interrupt and talk over you, seemingly oblivious to their frequent braggy monologues forever.
3. Talk to them about the problem
No matter how many versions of the response suggestions in step two you try, eventually, you're going to have to talk to this person about the problem. Okay, you don't have to. You could put up with it, ride it out and see if, despite constant frustration, it never sparks a blowout between you. But if you want anything to change, you're going to need to address the behavior.
It doesn't have to be you who does that. It can be, of course. But if you worry the one-upper will not handle your grievances well, consider asking someone close to that person to mediate.
The focus of your discussion shouldn't be what a jerk he or she is, obviously. You want that person to understand how his or her behavior affects you. Does his or her boasting smother your pride in your own accomplishments? Does it make you feel like you're never good enough? Does it make you wonder if he or she has any respect for you? Give it to him or her straight and calmly. Explain that that behavior is causing a rift in your relationship, and that's not something you want because you value your relationship.
And if none of this works? Then, we think, it might be time to really mull over whether or not you want this person in your life.
In an independent music community, you see the same folks again and again. Your environment can feel really small, even in a big city. Sometimes you can't avoid a person altogether, but you can take steps to minimize the need for interaction in general. It's not a stretch to assume the one-upper is that way with most people, so you likely aren't the only one considering or working toward breaking ties.
Next up: 14 Rules for Being a Good Bandmate
Jhoni Jackson is an Atlanta-bred music journalist currently based in San Juan, Puerto Rico, where she juggles owning a venue called Club 77, freelance writing and, of course, going to the beach as often as possible.
